My six

My six

"As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15

Friday, September 26, 2014

The Change Up

This summer I devoted my mornings to Beth Moore’s “Children of the Day” in depth Bible Study. It was wonderful. The Lord has given her such a gift of delivering His message. I also asked Him to allow me to see others as He does. The souls that He loves. I found myself with an aching heart.

Life has been routine. Waking up, getting ready for work and the kids for school, coming home, rushing to get dinner done or kids to their sporting events, rushing home, showers, bedtime devotionals and prayers, and we dive into bed anticipating a good night’s rest only to start again in about 8 hours.

Here we are going about our routine, swinging away at life. We are not created for this. God wants so much more for us. Yet, things are very different than what they were a year ago.
We just passed the one year anniversary of Daulton’s wreck. I am still learning truths from the Lord. What friends, family and even myself did not realize, is that it had more of an impact on Daulton than we knew. Here we were getting back into routine, and I did not realize my son was slowly slipping away. He has had such a struggle this past year. Going away to school, dealing with some most terrible roommates anyone could ask for, surviving a terrible wreck and being without a vehicle for  five months (which when you live off campus is humbling). He worked hard, but mentally baseball was gone. His scholarship was not renewed and he moved back home. He did have his first year of school paid for and left with a 3.25 GPA, which has allowed him to get the HOPE scholarship this year.  He set out to be a walk on at Georgia Highlands this year, but three weeks ago informed his father and I that he was done. It was very bittersweet. The doors were not opening. He had someone tell him that he just wasn’t serious enough about it. Where that might be partly true, we have not walked in his shoes this past year. I see him struggling, trying to figure out his life. My heart aches. In my prayer time the Lord showed me this is what He feels like when He is “jealous” for us.
2 Corinthians 11:2. He wants so much for us. His heart aches when we go our own way and pay no attention to His instruction or warnings. I see my son headed down these dark paths and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but Pray. Parenting the older children has been so much harder than parenting the younger ones.. Hard, very hard. I am trying not to let my heart grow hard in the process. With my desperate pleas for my son to have an authentic relationship with the Savior, I also ask to keep my heart soft. This is Daulton’s journey and hopefully his testimony. This is where I have to hand it over to the Lord.

I can’t help but to feel like a complete failure, as a mother, a witness, and a disciple of Christ. I am sitting here on the edge of the desert and the valley. The mountain is in the distance. How I long to be back to at least the foot of the mountain. Reminds me of some lyrics from one of my favorite Christian artist that the Lord has used to minister to my soul. 

“This I Know” David Crowder Band

Up on the mountain
 Where Your love captured me
 Where finally I'm free
 This I know
 Up on the mountain
 Where You taught my soul to sing
 Amazing grace the sweetest thing
 This I know

And then the storm rushing in
 And here I am again
 This I know

Take me up to where I was
 When I never wanted more than You
 Lift me up to feel your touch
 It wouldn't be that much for You
 This I know

I also know that no matter what, I belong to Him. He sees the struggle and He knows how my heart hurts for those that I love.

“Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.” 2 Corinthians 1:21-22

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