The Change Up
This summer I devoted my mornings
to Beth Moore’s “Children of the Day” in depth Bible Study. It was wonderful.
The Lord has given her such a gift of delivering His message. I also asked Him
to allow me to see others as He does. The souls that He loves. I found myself
with an aching heart.
Life has been routine. Waking up,
getting ready for work and the kids for school, coming home, rushing to get
dinner done or kids to their sporting events, rushing home, showers, bedtime
devotionals and prayers, and we dive into bed anticipating a good night’s rest
only to start again in about 8 hours.
Here we are going about our
routine, swinging away at life. We are not created for this. God wants so much
more for us. Yet, things are very different than what they were a year ago.
We just passed the one year
anniversary of Daulton’s wreck. I am still learning truths from the Lord. What
friends, family and even myself did not realize, is that it had more of an
impact on Daulton than we knew. Here we were getting back into routine, and I
did not realize my son was slowly slipping away. He has had such a struggle
this past year. Going away to school, dealing with some most terrible roommates
anyone could ask for, surviving a terrible wreck and being without a vehicle
for five months (which when you live off
campus is humbling). He worked hard, but mentally baseball was gone. His
scholarship was not renewed and he moved back home. He did have his first year
of school paid for and left with a 3.25 GPA, which has allowed him to get the
HOPE scholarship this year. He set out
to be a walk on at Georgia Highlands this year, but three weeks ago informed
his father and I that he was done. It was very bittersweet. The doors were not opening. He had someone tell him that he just wasn’t serious enough about it.
Where that might be partly true, we have not walked in his shoes this past
year. I see him struggling, trying to figure out his life. My heart aches. In
my prayer time the Lord showed me this is what He feels like when He is
“jealous” for us.
2 Corinthians 11:2. He
wants so much for us. His heart aches when we go our own way and pay no
attention to His instruction or warnings. I see my son headed down these dark
paths and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but Pray. Parenting
the older children has been so much harder than parenting the younger ones.. Hard,
very hard. I am trying not to let my heart grow hard in the process. With my
desperate pleas for my son to have an authentic relationship with the Savior, I
also ask to keep my heart soft. This is Daulton’s journey and hopefully his
testimony. This is where I have to hand it over to the Lord.
I can’t
help but to feel like a complete failure, as a mother, a witness, and a
disciple of Christ. I am sitting here on the edge of the desert and the valley.
The mountain is in the distance. How I long to be back to at least the foot of
the mountain. Reminds me of some lyrics from one of my favorite Christian
artist that the Lord has used to minister to my soul.
“This I Know” David Crowder Band
Up on the mountain
Where Your love captured me
Where finally I'm free
This I know
Up on the mountain
Where You taught my soul to sing
Amazing grace the sweetest thing
This I know
And then the storm rushing in
And here I am again
This I know
Take me up to where I was
When I never wanted more than You
Lift me up to feel your touch
It wouldn't be that much for You
This I know
I also know that no matter what,
I belong to Him. He sees the struggle and He knows how my heart hurts for those
that I love.
“Now it is God who makes both us
and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us,
and put His spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”
2 Corinthians 1:21-22
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